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Thursday, July 19, 2012

A Letter to my son at three months

Dear Harrison,

Right now, at 6:16 pm on Thursday July 20, 2012, you are sleeping in your swing with the sound of lullabies in your ears.  You are three months old today and as I watch your stomach move in and out, you are still in that stage of breathing, I understand that you are a healthy, happy little boy.  I have so much to say to you at three months, where do I even begin?




The hours leading up to your birth were eventful to say the least.  Your heart rate was doing odd things with and without the contractions, and because I was in nursing school at the time I was running a million things through my head.  I was very calm and collected on the outside, as I should have been, because it was not about me, it was about you and your mom.  If I looked worried, mommy would worry, and mommy had enough to worry about for the time being, so I put on a brave face, exchanged glances with the midwife and other nurses, and...

...fell apart inside.

Every time the fetal heart rate monitor decelerated or accelerated when it was not supposed or when it would read skipped beats altogether, I crumbled and ached and felt desperately lost as to what to do.  My world slowed down, my vision would tunnel, and things stopped making sense.

I was scared, but more than scared; I was absolutely terrified.



There are few times that daddies are scared, but that moment was one of them.  I had not even met you yet, but I already loved you more than even I knew possible (I sometimes joke with your mom that I know what the Grinch felt like because my heart great 3 sizes that day) and  I could not possibly bear the tremendous heartache of having something go wrong.  I kept my strong dad face on, trusted in the nurses and midwife, said a few prayers and pushed on supporting mommy.

And then you arrived and we cried great big tears of happiness and joy and I can only imagine that you will not know that joy until you have a child of your own. I have never been happier than the day you were born and the days that have followed for these past 3 months.  How amazing life has been!  Sure the first few days were filled with sleep deprivation, although you slept like a baby no pun intended) as long as mommy or I were holding you, and then you became very jaundiced and life was filled with doctor appointments and heel sticks, but finally you were home, healthy, and we could enjoy you...sleep.  But you were amazingly adorable while sleeping and we could not help but stare and smile and fall in love more and more with this little human that was suddenly part of this world with us.



At this point in your life you seem to recognize mommy and I, and you give us the biggest smile when we come into your field of vision.  I live for that smile, think about that smile, and when I get home I come to you and wait for you to give me that smile; and my heart melts.

Your favorite things right now are when mommy sings to you and when I make funny noises.  Your face lights up and you give the biggest smile I have ever seen!  You also love to have tummy time with us and of course, cuddle time with mommy and I, on the rare mornings that I do not work.



You, and subsequently I, have a great life right now.  I could not imagine my life without you in it, and even on the days when I am in a bad bad, you make me laugh.  I can not wait to continue to spend these months with you and I am excited to explore what else the world has to offer you.  Soon you will begin to crawl, then walk, and heaven help us when you learn to talk, but I am so excited to be a part of them with you.

You, my little dude, have made my life awesome and I love you more than you can possibly know until you have children of your own.

Stay awesome,
Dad


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